so...

er...haven't posted in what has actually been a long fucking time.

well, guilfest was good, gig last thursday was goood, davids an arsehole PEENARSE, band practice is going well, made a few new friends, school is over, currently drinking apple and blackcurrent squash whilst sitting next to summer :D, got stupidly pissed yesterday -_-' ( i know, i KNOW), got a 4mm stretcher, lots of art homework i need to do at some point, and going on holiday for 3 and a half fucking weeks which will be kinda boring tbh, and er...thats about it from my life

Ooh, and going to the V&A and CAMDEN tomorrow!
fuck yes motherfuckers.



xxxxxxxx

help me.

please, help me.

please, take this pain away. i've never felt so bad. i've haven't felt this low, this ache for two/three years. and it's back.

you brought it back. i never forgave you, and now i never will.


but you, i need you.

please, take my hand, take me away, and we'll run away, we'll leave all this behind, and it'll just be us, our hearts, our love, and just our eyes seeing only eachother, for eternity.

i need you, so much i feel like my insides are being ripped apart.

but

right now, you only exist in my head.


you're out there. you are.

but when will you be in here? in here with me.

look at the mess you've made

just let me curl up in a ball, see the sun go down, and slowly leave all of this behind.



so this is the end, of you and me, we had a good run, now i'm setting you free, to do as you want, to do as you please, without me.

this

we stare at broken clocks

the hands don't turn anymore

the day turns into night



if only sorrow could build a staircase,
or tears could show the way,
we would climb our way to heaven,
and bring him home again

we would do anything to bring him back to you,
we would do anything to end what you're going through,
if only sorrow could build a staircase,
or tears could show the way,
i would climb my way to heaven,
and bring him home again,
i would do anything to bring him back to you,
because if you got him back,
i would get back the friend that i once knew.

even though i'm grounded.

even though i feel like shit.

even though i'm not supposed to be here and on this computer right now typing this.

even though i thought other things were fine again but still fucked up

royally.

even though i feel like i could just step out the front door at 3am and just run away and never come back.

even though i don't feel i can do this anymore.

even though my mum doesn't give two shits about me.

even though my mum says things that make me panic until i can't breathe.



i still want to wake up tommorrow and see your eyes.

{if sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way}

damn, today was a lovely day.

i guess things will get better.


things are getting better.


xxxxxxxxxxxxx

because i just fucking need it.

new me, new everything.


fresh start.

it's three eighteen, mouth tastes like the corpse of every pregnant teen

bring me the horizon rock me stripy socks bro

TIS SICK

today was damn awesome...


got something today from someone that made my day :)

<3 <3 <3

things like that really do make the world go round.

Happy and really very exciting yumyumyum, special exciting yumyumyum magnificent overly uber rebellious!

mwahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa

party till you pass out, drink till your dead, dance all night till you cant feel your legs


PARTY TIL YOU PASS OUT DRINK TIL YOUR DEAD DANCE ALL NIGHT TIL YOU CANT FEEL YOUR LEEGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!


Raaawwwrr.

xxx

the mirror can be your worst enemy.

your reflection can be the start of a neverending deathwish.

you use it to gain control.

and to lose what you don't want.

and then you begin to choke.

i'm back to square one again.

it hit me yesterday.

and i realised it today.

someone told me to trust what my heart says in this situation. and somehow i was afraid of that.

i'm stuck in the middle, but i know.

a load of bollocks

hey!

so last week was half term. it went by really ...quickly. and...awiuovyrb4aqb4bstrnryndtymdrtynjrmzsotbiegyrvbyq3IBH8Q2B5

MEH.
mehmehmehmehmehmeh


anyways

i dont even know what i DID. apart from town trips, which were bloody immense.

i also seemed to have been neglecting my diary quite a lot. i havent relaly felt like myself at all really lately, and i guess thats kinda taken away my usual need to write everything thats happened on the day and my thoughts down into my diary.

something really confusing just happened...

maybe.



4567. today.


back to normal tomorrow.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxbye

oh,fuckoff.

i'mafuckingwasteofspace.ivehurtanotherperson.i'mprobablygoingtolosehimnow.whythefuckwouldthatotherpersoneverlikeme.anditurneveryoneawayatsomepoint.everyoneisgoingtoleaveme,sohow'saboutigetoutfirst.

shestillloveshim
she'sfallinginlovewithhim
she'sfalleninlovewithhim
she'snotsosureabouthim
shethinksshe'sgettingoverhim
she'snowdreamingabouthiminsteadofhim
shewon'tadmittothefactthatshestillloveshim
andhewon'tadmittothefactthathelikesher
...butwillheevertellmehelikesme?

idontcarewhatyouthinkofme,you'remybestfriend,andpleasedon'tleavemenow,youdon'tknowit,butineedyouthemostnow.

Thefunnythingis,isthatyouhavenoidea.

foreverybrokenheartinhere
silent.envious.you.maybe.obstacles.underestimated.romance.

you'vebuiltupaworldofmagic,becauseyourreallifeistragic.
humble.agonising.romantic.valentine.everlasting.you.

I'm not even going to say anything. ever.

birthdaybirthdaybirthdaybirthdayyayyayyayyayayayyayaayyyayayyyyyyaaydoafvyw8r4vyo5ba437yw5689w536n0845nnw

OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH

IN LESS THAN TWO HOURS

AN HOUR AND 40 MINUTES TO BE EXACTAMUNDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I, CAROLINE ARCHER, WILL BE FIFFTTTEEEEEEEEEENNNNN :D:D:D:D:D

Gah i remember this last year, the same feeling of turning fourteen xD in less than two hours or something hehehhehe xDD


TOMMORROWW is going to be SO FUCKING NOTCHHH

Townageee from 11:30am till 5:30pm with ALL MY LOVELEH MAYTEEESS, and then....



dun

dun
dun
dun
dundundudnndasundaudnendaund


(the font size thingy wont work...so fuck that....gah D:)


IT WILL BE ZE....



AFTER-PARTAYY!!!!


WOOOOOOOOOo


Lmao i went shopping today and got fuck loads of foooooood :D:D:D

You name it, i'll probably have it tbh lmfao!!

Quiche :)

YUM


AND DOUGHNUTS


YES FUCKING DOUGHNUTS!!


GAHH TOMORROR WIWLLL BE NOOOOTCHHHH



WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


fifteenfifteenfifteennnnn


GAHGAHGAHGAH

Life is amaaaaaaaaaaaazing right now. god. i can't believe i've just written that. i'm not going to delete it, because i ...think i mean it right now :)

xxxxxxxxx




GAHHHH TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:D:D:D:D:D

xxxxxxx

Then I woke up. And my world burnt to a crisp right in front of my swollen eyes.

i don't write on here like i used to

don't you remember? anything? ....at all?

i wish i could fill this void, this space, with what i used to be able to fill it with.

you don't laugh the way you used to

new day, new month.

new time of my life.



or whatever shit like that.


last month seemed like a decade

why can't things change?

things are looking up things are looking up things are really looking uuuuuuuuuuppppppppp

i have this really awesome skull candle thing that i got from spain. it's like, a skull replica, but with a place to put a candle in it. i lit it today and just kinda...sat in my room with only the light from the candle, (and my computer, obv. lmfao.) and it was..quite nice actually.

i haven't really written much in detail about how the past few days or weeks have been, ive just written random words really haven't i? :x

well, i'm not going to lie and say it's been good. it hasn't.

to be honest, i really don't know who i am anymore. i just don't feel...right, anymore, you know? oh hell, what do you know.

take away one part of me, and i lose the rest. i lost the rest. it seems like so long ago that i can't even remember what the rest was.

they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. i'm not getting stronger. to be honest, i feel myself getting weaker.

there you go, you're gone for good.

i miss it. too much
xxx

casting my mind back to how things used to be is so painful it's almost unreal.

THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME

That was the most fucking epicly brilliant and EPIC weekend of my fucking life.

The rave around Croydon was fucking notch xD

fucking awesome.

i love you kelly xxxxxx

such a fucking brilliant time :D
xxxxxx

smirnoff ice

dubstep

kelly

hoola hoops

penis

salad fingers

your mind is swollen, from months of thought without release.

they've taken their toll on you.




to damn fucking right.


I WANT TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD

maybe...

Do you know what my mum said to me tonight?

She said that I should be dead.

She's said it so many times, and now I'm thinking so what if I was.

i don't want this anymore. i don't want anxiety, i don't want loss, i don't want any of this anymore. i want to go back to a time where it was sunny and life was full of rebellious, carefree and happy fun. but that's not going to happen, so i don't see the point anymore.

eating ice cream. fml.

i want a fucking rooster.

chickenpenis.

sounds like your mum, on penis.

i don't want toast.

OH get some toast or i won't be your best friend.

10,000,000,000 penises.

*chuckles*.... that wasn't my question.

ooh it came into my mind.

zingy

zingziggyzangazangazangziggyziggyzangziggyzagazazangazangzoong

chamiillionaire

*LOL*

Can I have my heart back now? because this really hurts.

Nothing's changed. Still, nothing has changed. Only things have been added. The mask always comes off when i'm alone.

cheese fucking toasties man.




god the dares today were fucking hilarious. :D


xxxxx

i'm at hattie'ssssssssssssssssssssssss

hellloooooooooooooo

it's currently 4 minutes to 3 in the morning...
hahahh

we got peoples numbers today!!

harry longman is hatties fit friend

and ross west is fucking hot

and nice;)

i love hattie and her bum

cheeeeeeeeese

i fancy........................................................

and ross LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL


bye bithces
xxx

i'm not stupid.

..what are these mixed messages? what are you trying to do?

whoa.....someone's made an entrance into my life.


.......................................................................

The last something that meant anything.

I'm hopeless, but hoping.

I've gotten so used to pretending to be happy I don't know who I am anymore. I've gotten so used to holding my tears in that when I let them out I can't control when they stop anymore. Nothing, is easy anymore. Getting out of bed for me now is like telling an alcoholic to exchange their Whisky for water. Or like giving someone your heart, but only getting a few pieces back. I tried everything. I gave it my all. I gave it every single part of me, and I can't get the pieces back. I can't get it back.

all i taste now is salty tears.

lie

A piece of advice,

Never, ever, give your heart to someone.

Who are you to tell me, that I am less than what I should be?

I don't need to listen to the list of things I should do.

You don't define me.

Who are you to tell me, that I'm less than what I should be?

once again, i find myself standing in the rain.

A random compilation of crap.

when can I find myself again?

you tell me. you fucking tell me.





town was absolutely brilliant yesterday. no-one can really understand. well, that's a bit cynical but, what I mean is, is that I'm the one that actually has to live with myself, and live with everything that gets slung my way.

do you even remember...

?


and what happened to...

where were...


that was barely even a sentence.


i know.


ITS OK TO FUCKING...

STOP BEING SO..



what's up with...



you?


xxxxx

o.o?!

Seriously, where the fuck is everyone?!